When Chinese wives meet American mothers-in-law
usnook | 2013-07-31 17:25

 For Chinese families, the relationship most prone to conflict is that between thedaughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Chinese women married to American men tend toquarrel with their mothers-in-law due to different cultural and language backgrounds.

American parents attach great importance to the independence of their adult children.A Chinese woman surnamed Zhang lived in San Diego, California with her Americanhusband, who was fired by his company in May 2012. Given the sluggish local jobmarket, the couple moved to the house of her mother-in-law in Long Island, New York,and her husband soon started looking for a job there. After living there for just half a month, Zhang could not help but complain to herhusband that the mother-in-law had asked her such questions since the second weekas whether they had rented a house outside, when they could move out, and how theywould split water and electricity bills. Zhang could not understand why the mother-in-law, who has a four-story house, wanted her only son to move out at a time when helost his job.

Most Chinese parents wish to live with their sons and daughters-in-law, andsome may even use their pensions to help financially difficult children. However, Zhang’s husband thought that they had indeed disturbed the life of hismother, and it was inappropriate to live in his mother’s house for a long time. Twoweeks later, they moved out after renting a house in the city, and her husband evenpaid his mother a month’s rent and utility fees. Another Chinese woman surnamed Wang who married an American man in early 2012also finds it hard to adapt to the American-style family life. Wang and her mother-in-lawlive in Southern and Northern California respectively, and seldom meet each other, letalone quarrel. Last year, Wang stayed in Northern California for four days to spendThanksgiving Day with the close relatives of her husband for the first time. When shetalked to her mother-in-law over the phone before setting out, the mother-in-law askedher twice whether they had booked a hotel room. She felt “odd,” and wondered whythey could not live in the house of the mother-in-law for just a few days.

Only after arriving at Northern California did Ms. Wang find out that the two half-blooded sisters of her husband were also staying outside in a hotel. In strong contrast,when the couple went to visit Ms. Wang's parents in China before the wedding, "nomatter how squeezed the house is, my parents would never let us move out and live ina hotel. And they always want us to stay longer." It is an indispensable part of the later life of Chinese parents to help their children tolook after their children. But this is not the case for American mothers-in-law, either.Casey is an ethnic Chinese.

 The first baby of her and her husband is already threeyears old. But through the child's birth to growth, "My mother-in-law can never becounted on. The burden falls completely on my mother, who runs back and forth fromChina to America to look after the baby for me," she said. “When my mother-in-lawcomes to see her grandson, she would only hold the baby and fiddle for a few minutes,and say ‘You are so cute’ before putting him down and minding her own business. “What disturbed Casey the most is that in 2011, when she was in Florida on businessfor three days and her husband was in Japan due to work; her mother's visa expiredand need to go back to China.

 Under such circumstance, she could only ask hermother-in-law to look after the baby. But she readily refused and said: "The baby woulddisturb my sleeping. You can take him with you." Casey could not restrain her anger, "As if this is not her grandson at all."When Casey talked with some of her Chinese girlfriends who also married Americans,one of her friend complained about her similar experience with her American mother-in-law.

 It was the wedding anniversary for her and her husband and they wanted to relivethe past romance. But the mother-in-law refused to help for her son and daughter-in-law looking after the child for the excuse that she had made appointment with someoneto play bingo. In the end they had no choice but pay the daughter of their neighbor 60dollars to look after the kid for them. "I still cannot understand such family relations inthe United States even till now."The misreading and misunderstanding because of the language difference can alsoturn Chinese daughters-in-law on against their American mother-in-law. Ms. Xu lives inthe South Bay. At the weekend, she went to the mother-in-law's house to wrapChristmas presents together. Her mother looked at the label when wrapping one of thetoys and suddenly said to Ms. Xu, "Oh, Made in China".Ms. Xu thought her mother-in-law meant things "made in China" are all cheap and ofpoor quality, so she immediately retorted: "No one is forcing you to buy Made-in-China.

You can buy Made-in-America." The mother-in-law froze for a moment and explainedright away that she was just joking. At dinner, the mother-in-law again reiterated to Ms.Xu that her words were just a joke and asked her not to be serious about it. But theatmosphere of the family gathering was inevitably embarrassing throughout the night. Another Chinese daughter-in-law, Jasmine, who just gave birth to a hybrid daughter inOctober 2012, also nearly started a war against her mother-in-law due to languagemisunderstandings. Jasmine said, when her mother-in-law came to visit thegranddaughter, she called herself "mama". When Jasmine heard this, she stronglyprotested and said "You are the grandma. I'm the mama!" But her American mother-in-law insisted that "mama" is indeed an intimate way to address "grandma". Therelationship between the mother- and daughter-in-law immediately turned a bitunpleasant. After Jasmine searched on the Internet and found out that "mama" is reallythe nickname some Americans call the grandma, she immediately went and apologizedto her mother-in-law.

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